The Struggle with Bottom Space

So bottom space is a confusion and frustrating thing. the last few days have been rough. Monday I was spanked a lot. I was so tired and emotional. Tuesday I was home alone all day and I did well with bottom space. I didn't fight Jenn when she said take your meds or anything like that. Yesterday was rough again. Yesterday was the roughest yet I was spanked hard several times. The last one was right before bed. I don't even know how to explain it. Kali and I have been in this type of relationship for a year. With all the struggles we have had we are kinda starting over. I'm having a really hard time with it all. I'm struggling to grasp it let alone accept it. I've been so overwhelmed with the whole thing. I'm having a hard time giving up control. Today I did ok because I had control more then yesterday at least it felt like it. I had control over when to work on my lines and when to go into the corner. In a way it's a good thing but in another way it gave me a sense to not be in bottom space. I have been craving this soreness the connection the closeness the vulnerability. I'm needing it all but fighting it all. I wish I could say I was as closer or closer to bottom space as I was Tuesday. I'm not though. I wish I could say that I felt like things were falling into to place. I guess in a certain degree I can. I just don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to explain what I feel about it all right now. One part of me wants to cling to Jenn right now and say keep it up it's working don't stop now. The other part of me is screaming not to get any further into bottom space. I know I need to feel vulnerable to her I need her to take control away from me and I need to cling to her and allow things to happen. I know I need her to be hardcore strict on me and I need to feel the pain from a spanking each time I sit down. Although my tolerance seems to have risen and 15 minutes after I'm spanked I wont feel anything. I think that's the frustrating part of it too. I know I need to be spanked and a lot I know I need her to make me do things I don't want to do like lay over her lap and her taking down my pants. I know I need to let myself become open to her. Like right now I want so badly to be in a vulnerable position I hate it so much but I'm needing it so badly. Part of it is because I'm so stressed out another part is because I just need that connection again. I guess I'm still not where I need to be. Jenn hasn't really broken through. Though she did break through a little last night. That kinda scares me. If I let out that many tears for her to break through a little bit how many tears is it going to take to just break down let go and let her back into that one spot? I think that's the hardest part with me. To get her in to that point again. The more I cry and submit (for lack of better words) the more tears there are to be let out. I'm not sure where this will lead but I'm praying I'm at least going in the right direction.

I made what you just read last night. Today I find that I am not nearly as close to bottom space as I was yesterday it's like each day I'm slipping further and further away from it. That kills me inside because it brings such a sense of peace and I find so much strength from it. I feel like I need to be there now more then ever especially over the next week and a half. I'm scared to death I'm going to slip way out of bottom space and be right where I began and that this has been just a waste of effort. I feel beyond hopeless right now with my abilities... I hope that theres hope if that makes any sense. I'm not sure where to go from here...