One dumb move one long week

I know it has been awhile. Things have been CRAZY here with Kali and I are lives have taken some pretty unexpected turns. Before we knew it we had drifted far apart. I completely closed up and walled myself off from the whole world. We are starting to get back on track again. I made a DUMB move and that has lead to five long days of discipline.I know your wondering "what did you do to deserve that?!" Well I have to admit I did earn every last bit of it. Consider this my worst mistake EVER. I wasn't just being a brat... I wasn't just disobeying. I down right put my life in serious danger... So because this is such a big part of my life I'm going to be completely honest in this blog about the things from my past and things I struggle with. Any and All judgmental comments will be ignored! Now with that said I am a cutter. For those of you who do not know what self harm is here is a good website that can help you understand. It becomes an addiction and one I still struggle with. Kali went on a little trip. The night that she left I went to the store and saw some blades. I felt a comfort from them and decided to buy them with Kali's money. I didn't buy them to use them I bought them for the comfort no matter how fake of a comfort it may be. Long story short I did end up using the blades to self harm. A relapse that I will regret for the rest of my life. I'm not in trouble for the relapse. I am in trouble for buying the blades to start with. My self harm is pretty dangerous. I don't go for little scratches or small cuts. The goal is deep wide gashes.

Kali had originally set 7 days but because I have proved myself and how much I have already learned from this whole mess I got it knocked down to 4 days. Then I ended up acting out and I was spanked for it. She told me then that it was starting so all together 5 days. Today was the first day for the blades. Now I am going to be getting 3 spankings a day. 3 LONG and HARD spankings for four long never ending days One day will be 4 spankings because tonight Kali had an unexpected emergency and wasn't able to give me the nightly spanking. I will try to blog daily about the spankings I receive but I can't promise that. I can promise that you will get updates as much as I can.

Now onto today's spankings. They SUCKED but that was the point. This week isn't just for my little stunt with the blades. It is also to help Kali and I to reconnect, to open me up to her and her leadership. It has been a hard day and it will only get harder as the week goes on. I have already made progress. The first spanking wasn't too bad. It hurt she got a couple tears out of me. She then took me to my room and tried to put me to bed. Sleep has not been my friend recently and sleep is rare for me. When I only got about 15-30 minutes of sleep I gave up. The second spanking was a lot harder to take then the first. I was now more emotionally open and struggle with the fact. But as soon as the spanking was over I never felt more comfort before in my life. At this point there is nothing better then being in Kali's arms with our CD (soon to be added to the blog) playing in the background. There was nothing better in the world then knowing that Kali and I are getting back on track. I am happy to restart this journey with her and allow her to lead me.

I'm going to post about the discipline I receive for this I can't say you will get a day by day account of the spankings lines essays or corner time that I'm sure to receive. So I will admit this is one of the dumbest moves I've ever made. Defiantly one of the dumbest moves that I've made since I've been in this relationship with Kali...

The question is hard to answer. It's different for everyone. Bottom Space and I have a love hate relationship. I want to be there but when I am there I hate it. You can tell if I'm getting close. I'm whiny and emotional and very clingy. Mostly because I feel so volunerable. It's when I need some of that special TLC that all bottoms need. When I'm in that space I need it the most. I need that TLC the most because it is all a part of the process. It's the time when I need my top to do the most that she can do. weather it's push me over the edge spanking wise or show me how much she cares by holding me for an enterity. It's the best time to get in and prove to me that if I fall she will pick me up. It's the best time for really any kind of lesson because it's the time I'm most trusting. Now thats stage 1 for me. A stage thats really hard to accept. stage 2 is when I do accept it thats when I'm complient and not fighting thats when I'm truely in bottomspace. It takes a lot to get me through stage one into stage two. It seems like everytime I get into stage one something happens and we get set back.

I guess why I'm posting this is because my last post I was getting there struggling with it but doing ok. Kali is on a trip and I've become more and more unsteady when it comes to being in bottom space. Kali hasn't left top space she said but I've left bottom space. I often think of things I can do to try and reach bottom space before Kali returns. I often have the fear that Kali will leave top space and I know that if that fear is there then I'm nowhere near bottom space. The trust that it takes to let Kali lead me through relearning everything is more then I can express. I know that once I feel comfortable in bottom space... I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting bottom space because it's like once we get there something happens and either I leave bottom space or she leaves top space and we never seem to be able to real our goal. So my friends I hope this is the last time I EVER have to write about the struggle getting to bottom space! I'm in A LOT of trouble when Kali gets back so you I will have to blog about it. It's not gunna be pretty!

The Struggle with Bottom Space

So bottom space is a confusion and frustrating thing. the last few days have been rough. Monday I was spanked a lot. I was so tired and emotional. Tuesday I was home alone all day and I did well with bottom space. I didn't fight Jenn when she said take your meds or anything like that. Yesterday was rough again. Yesterday was the roughest yet I was spanked hard several times. The last one was right before bed. I don't even know how to explain it. Kali and I have been in this type of relationship for a year. With all the struggles we have had we are kinda starting over. I'm having a really hard time with it all. I'm struggling to grasp it let alone accept it. I've been so overwhelmed with the whole thing. I'm having a hard time giving up control. Today I did ok because I had control more then yesterday at least it felt like it. I had control over when to work on my lines and when to go into the corner. In a way it's a good thing but in another way it gave me a sense to not be in bottom space. I have been craving this soreness the connection the closeness the vulnerability. I'm needing it all but fighting it all. I wish I could say I was as closer or closer to bottom space as I was Tuesday. I'm not though. I wish I could say that I felt like things were falling into to place. I guess in a certain degree I can. I just don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to explain what I feel about it all right now. One part of me wants to cling to Jenn right now and say keep it up it's working don't stop now. The other part of me is screaming not to get any further into bottom space. I know I need to feel vulnerable to her I need her to take control away from me and I need to cling to her and allow things to happen. I know I need her to be hardcore strict on me and I need to feel the pain from a spanking each time I sit down. Although my tolerance seems to have risen and 15 minutes after I'm spanked I wont feel anything. I think that's the frustrating part of it too. I know I need to be spanked and a lot I know I need her to make me do things I don't want to do like lay over her lap and her taking down my pants. I know I need to let myself become open to her. Like right now I want so badly to be in a vulnerable position I hate it so much but I'm needing it so badly. Part of it is because I'm so stressed out another part is because I just need that connection again. I guess I'm still not where I need to be. Jenn hasn't really broken through. Though she did break through a little last night. That kinda scares me. If I let out that many tears for her to break through a little bit how many tears is it going to take to just break down let go and let her back into that one spot? I think that's the hardest part with me. To get her in to that point again. The more I cry and submit (for lack of better words) the more tears there are to be let out. I'm not sure where this will lead but I'm praying I'm at least going in the right direction.

I made what you just read last night. Today I find that I am not nearly as close to bottom space as I was yesterday it's like each day I'm slipping further and further away from it. That kills me inside because it brings such a sense of peace and I find so much strength from it. I feel like I need to be there now more then ever especially over the next week and a half. I'm scared to death I'm going to slip way out of bottom space and be right where I began and that this has been just a waste of effort. I feel beyond hopeless right now with my abilities... I hope that theres hope if that makes any sense. I'm not sure where to go from here...

Time to Get up and goin!

Kali said her hello so here is mine :) we will get this thing up and going here soon. Maybe even fill out some questions so everyone who doesn't know us personally can understand our relationship a little more! I hope everyone enjoys reading about our adventures in our relationship. Hang tight some fun posts are coming soon!

Hey Everyone!

So, this is Kali..... you've heard a lot about me. I wanted to introduce myself and let y'all know that you'll be hearing from me now and then..... We thought it would be interesting and hopefully educating to some if we put things out there from both sides.... Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter, and know that you'll hear from me soon!
Kali